Everything has been given to me, passed on, donated. I am the one who never has enough money or a proper job. All things I attempt fail. My ‘talents’ are wasted. I bow to the government and tug my forelock in obeisance to humans who are better than me. They have jobs and own property and have social standing. They understand the game of this mass hallucination of human life. They achieve and succeed. They take no shit and walk tall. I fail and cry in a heap.
I’m totally crap at this human game.
Today I woke up in a better mood only to have the blues compounded again by a bill for my first car at the age of 42 equaling the same price as the car itself. My mum who was given a year to live bought me the car so I could travel up and down to see her. The freedom the car gave me was infectious to begin with but now it gives me fear. When the noise from the rear brakes started I was 200 miles from home and I froze in fear. I’ve never been scared of death in my life ever but recently it feels like my life is a sad parody of Final Destination. Fear is stalking me. Carlos Castaneda wrote that death stalks us on our left hand side. For me it seems to have been stalking me on the right rear wheel.
I’ve been comparing myself to others recently too and finding myself coming up short.
I have empathy and compassion but I am so rubbish at the human game.
I’ve been trying to set myself up as a self-employed Sound Therapist but even the alternative therapy route is competitive and I am so not competitive. I suck at pushing myself in people’s faces. I suck at using the terminology and talking the made up lingo.
Each day is a battle to dredge through. I have no purpose. I feel like a bad joke.