When do you know that you’re insane? They say that if you are asking the question then you’re not. I’m not so sure.
My grip on everything is loosening like a particularly slow bowel that has had a shot of caffeine.
Everything. My relationships. My non-existent ‘career’. My outlook. My input.
The only place I feel at home is in dream. Everywhere else I am lost, one foot in this world and one spoon in t’other. Striding like a lumberjack with polio.
I asked my friend, ‘Do you ever think you might actually be insane?’ meaning me. She said, ‘Everyone feels like that.’
If everyone feels like that then we’re all living in a sham cos we’re all nuts. Every interaction, every conversation, purchase, blog post, wave, smile, frown, tear.
I’ve never truly wondered if I may be losing my sanity. Not properly. I’ve thought I’d lost it slightly through chemicals but it always returned after a sleep. Sleep won’t work for this though but gives me solace.
I was on the beach a couple of days back-I have to think as I’m losing days-and the water, the feel of the sand, the awkwardness at being exposed in public and the bleaching of the sun while listening to a friend talk about their fantastic, active, driven life full of plans and ambition, I felt more in common with a big boat spewing out smoke like a cloud on the horizon.
A sense of self, of purpose. A need to wake up and walk through the world without fear, with connection. All these elude me. I had purpose in music but my lack of ability and armour to function in the industry just led me to depression and so much aching pain.
I feel like the figure in the 2 of swords. Blocked, stuck, frightened. None shall pass. The moon is out during the day. Madness. Days and nights mixed up.
Are we hurtling towards the end? Am I sensing my own? I find no meaning in anything and I feel myself slipping. The abyss that I entered in a dream of dying felt so calm, a place to relax and just be, somewhere that this human existence doesn’t seem to offer.
Is this just another phase to ride out like a leaden-down knight upon a dinosaur? One phase dovetails neatly into the next. Is this the downward slope to the end?
Remember when you were young and the whole terrifying world was surprising? Where novelty was a thing?
I remember the first time I saw my aura. It blew my mind. Organic across my hand and I could make it grow from my fingertips. I watched a plant in my bedroom making love to itself, sparkling, fizzing and zinging.
My dreams are becoming more cosmic lately. The earth spinning in a cosmic sky of extremes through slats in a venetian blind. That’s how I’m living my life. Watching the wonder behind a blind.