I thought I knew what I wanted to do. I’ve always wanted to make music and sing and write and all that jizz but for the past few months I have removed myself completely from all music related anythings. Funny how the thing I loved so much gave me the most pain. Last year I was so depressed from the injustice of my lack of success that the dark life-ending type of thoughts returned. I saw no joy in life at all. None. It was a long line of shite as far as my foresight could see.
Then at the end of 2013 I got shafted again. I wrote about that a bit further down in another post but you’ll get the general idea. It’s all a big pile of poo and I have found that my life is quieter, calmer and I don’t grind my teeth as much. I seriously don’t do that much anymore. I mean I breathe and eat and stuff like that but in general I do very little.
I figure after nearly 20 years of personal stress and torture from chasing a dream which turned out to be a nightmare I deserve a break.
One thing I have gained is perspective. When you’re in the middle of all that crap clamouring to be heard, to be noticed you tend to take yourself a wee bit too seriously. I now know that I am not such a great writer, performer, singer etc. I mean, I’m okay. I’m not bad, better than some, but I’m no David Bowie or someone else super talented. I originally made music to express how I thought about existence and then I got caught up in the whole ‘choose you life career path’ thing and it stopped being fun. If I do make music again I want it to be for joyous expression.
I’m getting on a bit too which is strange but good as well. I honestly don’t give a shit as much as I used to about stupid stuff. I am not cut out for the claws-out clamber to the fast lane. I like the quiet and privacy.
So then I’ve come to the part where I want to ask myself what I DO want to do. I like kindness. I’d like to be kind. I hope I’m kind cos that’s really all that matters to me. Kindness is being open to others, other creatures, other beings from rocks and trees to humans and cats. Kindness makes communication so much more open too.
If you move in kindness you see beauty even in the ugliness of wars and hatred and all that stuff I don’t understand that well. I’d like to evolve and keep on evolving and to keep on travelling and to learn in each existence. We are all connected to everything, one big squidge of a pulse. Far out hoomaan.
I made this after reading a book by Paul LaViolette. That guy is a serious dude who should be listened to. http://etheric.com/paul-laviolette-bio/