When watching the depressing Take That documentary Look Back: Don’t Stare I was struck by my decision to walk away from music. I guess it was seeing them in the studio and waiting backstage that plucked at the strings of my dream.
For years I’ve been trying in vain to get somewhere through writing and performing. I’ve had a European Top10 and an MTV Dance No.1 and have performed in front of 44,000 people in the Ajax football stadium in Amsterdam but I’ve been steadily ripped off financially and kicked in the teeth emotionally, to the extent that I made a decision a few months back to walk away from the dream that I’ve tried to live since I was very young.
Yet last night watching Robbie complain about his family’s depression, Mark standing in a field bemoaning the affairs and the drinking and Gary once again writing another song that sounds just like the others, I realised the true weight of my decision. I never thought I’d be one of those people to give up on a dream.
I’m all for the underdog, the weirdo, the misunderstood. I get the ones that most folk don’t, but I’m in a small minority. I remembered last night my old record company boss telling me that he really had no idea what to do with me. He told me that my songs and voice were great but he couldn’t see clearly what market I would fit into. I’m an odd-ball. I have no idea what to do with me either but I know that I’m unique and surely that is worth its weight in gold. I think I have something important to say but I’m not sure anyone is listening.
The problem now is what exactly am I supposed to do with myself? All I’ve ever known is music and struggle. The universe tells us the truth. I reckoned that all the brick walls were shouting at me to just walk away. A human being can only take so much disappointment surely? So many carrots being dangled only to be whisked away after the hope has risen and fallen up for the umteenth time.
I’ve learnt recently to not beat myself up. I’m taking a break; resting, but how long can I deny it? Last night was the first time that I’ve really faced it since deciding to quit. I shall give myself more time I think; meditate, dream, expand my understanding and let the flow move through me instead of trying to force it and then maybe in a another month or two I’ll look at it again.
One thing is for sure, the Take That documentary was very depressing so here is a picture of John Travolta from Planet Hiltron to cheer yiz all up.